I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
