I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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