the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize