just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
