I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
