I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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