Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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