i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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