I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
