Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
