she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She's the barista slut.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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