Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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