the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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