If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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