Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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