you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize