I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
