Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
