I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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