I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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