i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
