Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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