I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
