He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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