Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
