my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
