we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
