I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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