I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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