We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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