Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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