Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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