wakey wakey hands off snakey
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
