Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
