the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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