this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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