I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize