Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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