Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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