I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
