Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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