i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
