dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
