I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
