I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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