oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
