we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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