At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize