I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
