My liver just broke up with me...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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