After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He better not be in your backpack
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
