what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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