I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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