The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
