Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
