Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
