I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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