I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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