The maid of honor just puked.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
