Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
