i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
