when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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