At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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