Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
