4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
