My sheets look like a crime scene.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
